Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Passing Feelings

Hi everyone!


The past two days have definitely been trying times days.  I’m mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. I try to put myself back together in some hours but it’s short-lived because I’m carrying so much and limited in so many areas.  It really takes a lot for me to try and not notice what’s going on but it kills me to do that as I’ve always thought of myself as a person that really lives and not just exists.

So on what happened. Yesterday two of my new colleagues told me that I speak in a disrespectful manner to the Director. Naturally, I tried to explain to them that I’ve been talking that casual to him ever since I started there and he’s never told me that I was out of line (well, except one time when I was upset that the client we were assisting were awful to us and he basically said that I needed to take that back and just eat it up). Their way of speaking to him is basically to avoid all humor and nod and smile. I don’t do that with anyone. I would not even know how to do that!

So I called my friend and because she knows me she understood where I was coming from and basically told me not to change to fit into someone’s definition of being respectful. My mom said the same thing. Mom also asked me to ask them to demonstrate what that 'respectful behavior' would look like. Lol! I also spoke to this other friend who was going through a hard time trying to find another job. Ended up spending the entire night motivating her to keep trying, so by the time I slept I felt better about what happened.

Then literally the next day I’m faced with other office drama that basically crippled my day after my lunch order wasn’t processed, after I spent a whole hour waiting for it. It even got to a point where I felt like I needed to resign. I have no idea why I’m so emotionally sensitive and it just feels like hard work to make each day work. The past weekend could also be playing a role as I tried to do a lot of things over two days and I could just be exhausted.

Point is that I’m writing this post after realizing how emotionally drained we can become of something that momentarily affects you. I never thought I could get over a bad mark in high school or an embarrassing event at university and right now it feels like what happened today will affect the rest of my life. But in a few months (or even tomorrow) it will be nothing more than something that happened that has nothing to do with me as a person.

I used to get severe heartburn when something like this would happen. I wouldn’t be able to function on anything else and I would spend hours replaying it. It’s currently happening now and I want more than anything to be in control of my mind and just make it stop. And sometimes it takes you saying: ‘I will not let this consume me’ and actually going as far as doing something productive in the time you would have wasted going around in circles about it.

I actually (and finally) downloaded my study material in order to get started with my assignments due on Monday and when that went slowly I decided to write this post and I’m going to try and study again after completing it. Not because I’m strong or persistent, but because I need to keep growing and keep evolving and I need to keep in mind that life is long. What would I look like if I became consumed with other people’s view of me all the time or how they feel about me.  If you live the best life possible, without having to step on someone else to achieve that, there’s nothing stopping you from being you!

Never waste time!


Love you!

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Down but Not Out

Hi everyone!




I’ve been in such a spiral since January started. 2017 truly feels like an uphill battle where all the victories are short-lived. It really feels like no matter what I do, the paw-paw keeps hitting the fan and at this point it’s kind of pointless to clean up the mess. Currently I’m on leave for about 8 days that I desperately needed and I’ve spent about 5 of those days just going through the motions and properly addressing my feelings.

I think I’m ready to go back to work. I actually went awol because our firm is just so unfair in terms of how they treat us and there’s basically nothing you can do about it. So when I feel overwhelmed I just disappear and go offline until I feel better.

I’ve been looking at how I’ve just completely gone off the radar on my blog and channel. Youtube, especially because I’ve been trying to get a better lens since last year and I haven’t been in a good space to buy it. I’ve also been having extremes – emotionally. Which affected my writing and filming because I just felt bad about myself and my life in general. On some days when the sun would shine again, I would just soak that in by taking a walk or going out with a friend I’ve neglected.

If you know me, you’d know that I don’t believe in mood swings. Mostly because I wasn’t allowed to have any. When I started puberty my mom basically told me that I wasn’t allowed to be sour just because I was going through a natural thing. My mom is pretty controlling so if you know her, this would sound perfectly normal, LOL! So during this time of intense stress it was just better for me to retreat rather than be unhappy in public.

I’ve been thinking about how to make my blog mainstream and ‘commerciable’. I like talking about different things and I did not want to make it one thing so I made my channel more lifestyle with my name on it but I realized during this time that I like being under an alias or a brand that will represent me so changing all the banners is truly daunting but needs to be done in order to ‘continue from here’. I no longer want to go under ‘ClosetFreedom’ because it’s one of those things where looking back was good, but now you’re like ‘what were you thinking?’!

I want something that can represent my soul and my beliefs. Currently I truly feel kind of damaged and under intense strain so that is affecting this process. I also want to factor in my love for communication and helping people to be more understanding and open. It’s probably the only thing I loved doing this year. I got my results from the first semester yesterday and it went well with 2 out of the 3 subjects, which made me realize that I need to work harder and learn to prioritize better.

I’m excited going into the second half of the year even though it’s already August but I truly can not live my life without hope. I have to believe that I’m being battered in order to be able to handle something worse than this, hopefully very far in the future because I could seriously use a break this year!

Can’t wait to share my thoughts and views with you guys for the rest of 2017!




Stay blessed!

XX

Monday, 12 June 2017

Hello June

Hi everyone!



It’s been a minute! As we speak I’m sitting in front of a heater trying to keep warm. Nelspruit has NEVER been this cold. Last year I got a fan heater and barely used it. This year has been pretty interesting. I haven’t even gotten used to say that I’m 25 because I barely got time to celebrate it but things are definitely looking up, finally!

I always feel like I have to careful about what I share online now but like I’ve said before – my channel and blog is all about being open because I tend to be closed off and I started my blog because I didn’t want to be that way anymore. You guys know that every year is hard for me and I’ve always sort of had a meltdown about it. This year, however, it has gone quite a bit weird.

I bought a car last year and having it was quite hard. I was super scared of driving so if I could walk rather than drive, I would walk. And I never went to work with it because it would force me to drive my colleagues around and the reimbursements for that were never guaranteed. And before long I was forced to sell it in order to get my financials back on track.

So in December I had to kick out my brother because he was never reliable and he always put his friends before his family. And when the time came for them to do the same they kicked out like day old turkey which was a good opportunity for a lesson learned for him. So then no matter how much I advertised I did not get someone to fill his room by January so the whole month’s rent was on me which was really devastating.

Then I tried to survive from that and got someone in February but finances still kicked my butt because my family lived with me for 5 months and in that time I maxed out my credit card. A definite bad call and also filed under Lesson Learned. So then I finally sold my car but had a 20k shortfall on it which was the best deal I could get at the time. That hard time also taught me a lot about cars. Now by this time I’d been trying to sell it since February. It finally happened in April and I had to survive the rest of the month with the installment of the car already subtracted from my account.

Then at the end of that month I had to go to my cousin’s wedding that I only found out about in March that I couldn’t miss. Fortunately my mom was able to secure some cash on credit so that she can save me on the car and that also allowed me to go to the wedding. Then I was able to pay her since then sort of half of what my car’s shortfall was worth seeing that my contract ends in January (So I can only afford to make payments till January). So that’s what I’ve been doing since end of April.

During this time I’ve had additional issues. I haven’t been going to church, both my phones stopped working and I’ve become a total pessimist. My channel has been on a standstill and I was just not able to talk about it because I was trying not to be a mess in order to function properly at work and to appear normal which is of great personal growth to me. I normally crack at the first sign of a problem. And only fix it months later. I also had assignments and exams during this time and had great marks but I haven’t had money to pay tuition in order to see if I’ve passed or not but that will also get solved in the time when it does.

My biggest lesson in all of this is definitely to calm the f down. I’m always like a champagne bottle when it’s opened. I always run over. But now I’ve had to be okay with things I can’t change. For example – I’ve always wanted to learn how to highlight and contour. But without the proper funds and ‘good debt’ I’ve had to put it on hold for a year now. I’ve learned how to do my own hair and be okay with not shopping for clothes. My bedroom has looked the same for the past 2 years and I’ve had to be okay with that too. If you know how much I like d├ęcor you’d know how much of a slow burn that is for me. So basically I’ve just had to be okay with basics. I haven’t done that since the first few months of varsity in 2010!!

IT’S OKAY.

That’s become my 2 most spoken words. They save my life every day.

They can do the same for you!

One day at a time,

Love

Monday, 8 May 2017

A Traditional Family Wedding

Hi Everyone!



I just came back from my cousin’s wedding in the Free State! Gosh, I was soooo tired that I just climbed in bed when I got back and even had to take a day off in the week. I was, however, quickly restored because I’ve been on such a ‘happy high’ because I had a fantastic time catching up with my extended family!

So my cousin had a traditional wedding with a twist I guess (it’s becoming a trend in my family now) and all my family members looked absolutely amazing! The bride wanted the wedding to have a blue ‘shweshwe’ theme which really came together on the wedding day. My mom and I also like to edge it up and give it that modern lady look and I actually love how it turned out.

So we left Wednesday night because we were travelling by bus. I was actually super tired because I had a full work day and a bit of overtime that day and had to catch the bus at 11:30pm. We were stuck at Park Station for a while and it was ridiculously cold. I had one handbag and a camera bag with a little blanket (because I was wearing leggings) so that I could use it on my legs if it got cold and had to give it to my mom because she was wearing a denim jacket. I’ll repeat: A DENIM JACKET.

Fast forward to a thousand years later, we finally arrived and literally every member of my family rocked up and I was so happy to see them. I even got to meet a few relatives that I haven’t seen in a while. So my favourite part of the wedding was definitely decorating the venue with the bride and taking all the behind the scenes photos because it helped me to interact with people and capture the best moments.

Mom and I had our outfits made at home so it was relatively affordable and I definitely loved how it came together with the head wrap. The shoes ended up looking bomb with this dress but it was truly not planned because those are the only black shoes I own (other platforms would have been too slippery) that my feet were going to be able to manage to walk in a mountainous structure.







 What do you guys think of the wedding outfits?



xx
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